


From the Wreckage

by chasind, Lanfear



Series: Mass Effect 1 [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-15 21:41:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/854345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasind/pseuds/chasind, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanfear/pseuds/Lanfear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Many years after the Reaper War, the galaxy has finally returned to a semblance of its former ebb and flow. Though the Mass Relays, as well as galactic civilization throughout the systems, underwent massive changes and adaptations the people still understand little of the events that lead up to and occurred during the War.</p><p>Part 3 of the Mass Effect 1 series focusing on Kaidan and Shepard and their thoughts during the events that lead up to Ilos. This is the final installment of the Mass Effect 1 series that I'll be writing and Mass Effect 2 and musings will be coming up soon after this is done! I hope you've enjoyed the read so far, I know that I did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A stop in the Woods

**Author's Note:**

> MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT! Please play the game and read the first two parts, The Stargazer and A Series of Slightly Confusing Events. It'll make more sense that way, though it isn't in any way necessary.

 

_Whose woods these are I think I know._

_His house is in the village though;_

_He will not see me stopping here_

_To watch his woods fill up with snow._

 

A careful and brittle silence filled the dry air of the Normandy. The crew were unusually silent, taking quiet steps and speaking to one other with hushed glances and careful words. Even the Normandy seemed... more like a cold, empty shuttle rather than the safe sanctuary that it had represented through their earlier missions. Oh, there were always things that had to be seen to on the great and unique ship of human and turian design, but never had the crew lacked alacrity and purpose as they did after the tragedy on Virmire.

It was like a niggling hum in the backs of everyone's minds, a quiet kind of intrusion that affected them all in some way, especially the close friends that had resided with frequency within the ship's cargo bay. Sometimes, it was a private and barely veiled glance, other times, they'd look up to see another familiar face, staring at the same place, their eyes meeting. They could almost feel the clash of emotions, Wrex's slowly burning rage to Tali's inscrutable depression, and it became a palpable thing in the air, as it mixed and spread like a slow and icy haze.

Garrus was particularly concerned with the strange emotions that had swirled around him after Gunnery Chief Ashely William's death and he would often wonder where this conflicting sense of anger, betrayal and sadness had come from. Turian's tended to be more in control of their emotive states and, for their particularly war-like culture, it often dictated the difference between survival and dying. It was even more surprising as he looked up from the parts that he'd been balancing in his hands, the devices resting there for the last hour or so, to once again stare at the empty weapons bench that stood a silent vigil against the rows of personal lockers that belonged to the rest of the ground team.

He could have almost imagined the human woman that should have been there, staring at the interface and singing of songs to herself as her hands instinctively stripped and adjusted parts of her rifle with fluid ease. Garrus supposed that a fascination with weaponry must have been derived from turian genetic structures and it was rare to find one who couldn't appreciate the sleek death brought on by cold metal and energy rounds. Perhaps that made the connection to Ash all the more poignant, she was a soldier and a damned good one, and her love of caring for her armaments almost rivaled his own zealous considerations. She had underestimated how well her other non-human team mates could hear and they'd often caught her reciting poetry to herself, and Garrus had been amazed at the flow of words and the images that they'd painted for him. Though turian poets did exist, they were very rare and far between, and he often took comfort in adjusting his calibration routines from the tempo that escaped and embraced him during her private recitals.

No more. He couldn't seem to.. focus. He caught Wrex turning his head slightly to the side as he stared at the still and impromptu monument to Ash's position in the cargo bay and quickly turned back so that they wouldn't have to meet each other's gaze. Damn if he didn't want to take out his sniper rifle and shoot something. He remembered what had happened on Virmire and, though he'd never told anyone including Shepard, he blamed himself for what had happened. A practical side of him repeated that nothing he'd have done would have changed anything, but he kept playing back the events in his mind, wondered if maybe he'd volunteered to go in solo to give Ash some back up, she'd be here now humming her human songs and thinking about her poetry.

A soft crinckling woke him from his dark musings, and he stared down at the ruined machinery in his hands. He cursed in the brutally elegant tongue of turians and placed it upon the shelf that was in front of him, telling himself he'd have to get the logistics human to requisition new parts. It was several more hours before he finally got around to placing the order with the man.

 

_My little horse must think it queer_

_To stop without a farmhouse near_

_Between the woods and frozen lake_

_The darkest evening of the year._

 

Kaidan winced as a twinge slid down neck that originated from the amp that was both a blessing and curse. It had taken him years to live with that piece of foreign material in his head and knew deep down that he'd always think of it as something unnatural and foreign to his body, like a benign cancer that allowed him to manipulate physics in alarming ways. It had taken him substantially longer to move away from losing someone special to him, Rahna he thought involuntarily, and sighed as he stared blankly at the console stations arrayed in front of him.

It had been an entire ship day since Virmire and still memories of Ash clung to the ship's curves and lines, haunting the crew with the lack of her presence and influence. The guilt that had stormed through him on first regaining full conciousness had almost shamed him to tears in front of Dr. Chakwas and the look of understanding and pity she exuded had almost broken the little self control that he had managed to muster. The first thing that he did was go to Ash's personal terminal and did what he'd promised Ash he'd do, and with the Commander's comforting assurance, had sent them the information that their daughter would not be coming back to them, in the flesh at least.

Her poems were... poignant and some had made him choke back sad laughter at their ribald nature and he had felt a little akward as he transferred the most meaningful ones to his own private corespondence program, storing it close to him in his omni-tool. There were a few, very few, that Ash had asked to be delivered to Shepard for whatever reason and he'd stored them with him as well.

He hadn't really been sure how Shepard would react if he ever mustered the courage to approach him with them.

The commander had come to see him, doing his usual rounds as if nothing had ever happened but Kaidan knew, without any doubt that he was heavily burdened by grief. He really had to admire the man's resolve and determination to place a strong and immovable front and wondered again, as he often did, if Shepard was human or some kind of biological, mechanical hybrid that could do anything and succeed in everything. He knew this paradigm had been shattered when he had first looked into Shepard's eyes during their conversations about what had happened and the emotions he'd seen there had almost overwhelmed any higher processing his brain could have made.

He wanted, wanted so very damned much, to reach out and comfort his commander the way Shepard had tried to comfort him with words and gestures, and only the distant shout of military fraternization protocols ringing through his head had stiffled his hands as they wanted to touch and leech the pain away. Since then, he'd been hesitating and had put off going to see Shepard for whatever reasons he thought were good enough to approach him. He hadn't gotten anything done since his recovery and had been rehearsing scenarios and conversations between both of them. What might come to be and what might not.

He stopped himself before his mind began to wander again and took a moment to front the display of his omni-tool, searching for the cache of lost poetry that he'd hidden away in there. He knew he wasn't particularly arty and wasn't much of a philosopher, but he came to appreciate some of the works that Ash had kept for him. She was quite eclectic in her tastes and her collection had ranged from 18th century Romanticism (so said the little note at the bottom of the work he'd read) to some of the more modern and slap-dash post-22nd century modernist works based on religion and xenomorphia. Without much thought he brought up a piece that Ash had said she exclusively wanted Shepard to have, not one of her own creations but something she had said might be very appropriate for whatever it was the commander was going through. Like she'd prepared this small trove of words in case something were to happen to her.

 _That something_ did _happen, and it's probably not your own damn fault_ , though he didn't know if he believed what he kept telling himself. A sound interrupted his reverie, and he turned to see Shepard walk purposefully towards his cabin which, definately not by chance, just happened to be right behind the work area that Kaidan frequented. His body stilled and his breath came out in soft and slow wisps as he strained his hearing against the side of Shepard's cabin. Sometimes he'd think about what Shepard was doing behind the thin sheet of metal and had often had to find quiet and secluded spots around the ship to take care of the need that burned through him whenever his imagination got the better of him. He'd touch himself in certain ways and imagine that it was Shepard who was touching him that way, doing those things to him and he'd stored quite abit of his imaginative creations in the most private corners of his mind.

A tiny and unmistakable sound of something hitting the wall next to him stopped those thoughts like a krogan running into a thresher maw and Kaidan reacted instinctively, rushing to the commander's door before he knew what he was doing. His last thoughts before he activated the door protocols was that he hoped he wasn't walking into a situation he couldn't handle and hoped he'd managed to scrape enough strength to keep Shepard on his feet, whatever else.

_He gives his harness bells a shake_

_To ask if there is some mistake._

_The only other sound's the sweep_

_Of easy wind and downy flake._

 

Shepard's thoughts churned. They frothed and raged through him like a wild varren that had somehow managed to contract the now extinct rabies sickness that had once been found on Earth. He couldn't think and couldn't focus. He kept re-visiting the last few hours on Virmire, replaying the scene over and over again, splitting it down into infinitesimal lines as he considered the hundreds of outcomes that would have resulted.

"Ash," he whispered, an inferno of anger seething through him.

He picked up the metal decorative holder that sat on his sparse work table and flung it with all his considerable strength against the wall of his cabin, feeling both immediate relief and shame at taking out his growing rage on an inanimate and helpless object. With a forlorn sigh, he walked over quickly to pick up the now dented object and set it gently back on the table, watching as it wobbled slightly from the beating that he had inflicted on it.

He could feel the memories of Akuze trying to seize him in its teeth and wring him out against the dark borders of his skull. He knew that some of his pent up emotions were bleed-throughs from that devastating footnote in his past and, though he prided himself on control and always moving forward, he knew this was something that wouldn't go away, would be a part of his life right up until he took his last breath on whatever alien planet the mission had carried him to. He had hope, but no illusions, about living out a comfortable life, a kind, caring and wonderful partner at his side, growing with him and perhaps raising a family on some distant, peaceful world. A world where his friends might also be on, save one young, brash and artfully tasteful young soldier.

He cursed himself and almost picked up the traumatized metal holder again but steeled himself and kept his hands at his side, though he couldn't stop them from curling into tight, white fists. Closing his eyes and letting his chaotic thoughts run amok, he huffed out a breath and went over to sit on his bed as he hoped for an eventual reprieve from the torture that he was lashing upon himself. He bowed his body over and rested his head roughly against both palms of his hands, which in turn were slowly grinding divots into the muscle of both his thighs. He knew he'd have to face situations like this again and just couldn't seem to-

The door to the mess hissed open. He wanted to look up, almost let muscle memory snap him to attention, and wondered what new crisis an ensign was delivering to him. Probably Thessia decided to throw itself into its own sun or the Geth had managed to land on Earth and obliterate the entirety of humanity's military command structure.

"Hey Commander," a gruff, raspy and (he had to admit) sexy-as-hell voice whispered out from the direction of the door, "Is everything alright? I.. I thought I heard.. ah.. a commotion in here."

Shepard immediately looked up and saw Kaidan, standing against the portal to his cabin, his body outlined by the cool, white halo of artificial lighting. Feelings and thoughts skidded and crashed within him as he saw the nervous posture and downcast look that had swept the room to see if anything was physically amiss. He didn't want Kaidan to see him like this, trembling and sobbing over the loss of a squad mate but he wanted, _needed_ , to feel the other man in here with him. To feel him holding him and giving him a shoulder to cry on.

He tried to smile up at Kaidan as he stood, but from the way his face twitched, he knew that the best he could do was a polite grimace.

"Alenko, I'm alright. Thank you for your concern. There was an... incident with the holder," he finished lamely as he glanced in the direction of the table and shouted at himself for subconciously letting his speech come out so formal, a defensive gesture that he'd always had with him since he joined the Alliance.

Kaidan's eyes tightened for an instant and he looked like Shepard had raised a hand against him. He shook his head slightly and seemed to be arguing with himself about something, probably wondering what possesed him to come into Shepard's cabin unannounced over sound. Kaidan finished the conversation he was having with himself and took tentative steps into the room keeping his eyes on Shepard as he approached.

Each step was reflected in Shepard's own heart and he wondered whether the Lieutenant could hear the deep throbbing of his pulse and had purposely measured his footsteps to them.

He stopped an arm's length in front of Shepard and took a deep breath before finally speaking up.

"Commander, permission to speak freely, sir? I.. I know this must be really tough for you. I.. I mean after all you've told me about Akuze and everything that you've gone through it.. it just seems that you're trying so hard you know? I.. We.. The crew, we're all here for you and I know you think that you have to carry this all on your own and, after what had happened on Eden Prime.. It wasn't easy seeing you like that Commander, and I just wanted you to know that I've got your back sir. Ash really _was_ a good soldier and the Alliance'll make sure she's honoured that way... She.. um.. Ash asked me to give you something..."

As Kaidan stammered through his words, Shepard just continued to stare at the man's face, watching the way his eyes would shift all around and migrate back and forth over his own facial features. He tried so hard, so very hard, to stop the tugging that was growing stronger around his heart and ached to take the man into his arms and never let him go. He knew that Kaidan's adorable performance would soon have him grinning like an idiot and he did the only thing he could do to stop the constant rush of words at him.

Slowly, almost reverently, he raised a hand up and brought it past the Lieutenant's waist, his broad yet compact chest, and up over that sharp jawline that spoke of strength, coming to rest ever so gently against the side of Kaidan's left cheek.

Kaidan was trying so hard to say appropriate words and was too worried about failing miserably to notice the hand until it's soft, scarred warmth brushed against his skin and stayed there, leaving him to trail his sentences into sputtering stops. His eyes widened considerably as he realized what had just happened and shifted his eyes to stare at the arm that had touched him so tenderly. He immediately brought his gaze back up to Shepard's face and was struck by what he saw there. Tenderness, affection. Care. _Love_.

Without volition, his left hand came up and trailed a soft stroke up the hand that was resting against his cheek and he almost closed his eyes in bliss. He was glad that he didn't and had an exhilarating view of Shepard's face as it grew closer and closer and before he realized what was happening (he wondered how someone who kept losing his pace like he did had managed to get Lieutenant rank) felt Shepard's lips touch his own.

He went blank. He couldn't think, couldn't respond, his thought narrowed to that small point on his face as he felt Shepard's full, soft and warm lips brace his own. He couldn't help himself, and felt his lips open slightly and the tip of his tongue emerged to take a taste of the man that his body and heart had ached for, for so long. Spicy, a slight muskiness, the sweet taste of warm flesh. He felt the burn shoot down through his tight stomach as his tongue met its equal and tasted the tip of everything that made the man John Shepard, could almost reach out and stroke the emotions that were flashing back and forth in the air between them.

He felt complete in a way that he'd never felt before and giddily wondered if he was in love and wanted to grab the man in an intimate hug and take all that he'd seen into him, and at the same time, run to Dr. Chakwas to tell her he was delirious and running a fever. The combined feeling of Shepard's hand and the gentle kiss that they were sharing threatened to overwhelm his sense of reason and was wondering if he could use his biotics to Pull away all of their clothes at the same time.

Thankfully, Shepard made the decision for him and he could feel the man's tongue slowly slip away from his grasp and he almost railed against the unfairness of the teasing that was going to leave him gibbering like a husk if he didn't get more. Dredging up what sense he had left, he was pretty sure the rest was littered around the floor of the cabin, he pulled himself away as well. He opened his mouth and wanted to apologise to his commander for taking advantage of him when his state of mind surely wasn't sound enough to decide on something of this magnitude, when Shepard pre-empted him and spoke first.

Just one word, that emerged to wrap fingers of love around his spine and made him want to melt and fly all at once. Just one word, whispered with a lover's reverence, a yearning that pulled at him stronger than the strongest biotic field he'd ever felt. Just. One. Word.

"Kaidan," Shepard whispered, a tide of awe, amazement and love washing through them both and breaking upon the shore of their minds. "Thank you."

*

Shepard stared at the poem that Kaidan had left him after he'd assured the Lieutenant that everything was fine with him, with _them_. He felt like he was taking a step off a steep cliff, with no way to see what would be at the bottom to catch him, yet knowing, _hoping_ , that something would be there. Something that was filled to overflowing with the emotions that Kaidan had shared with him.

He'd been sitting at the corner of his bed, going through the poem that was on his omni-tool for the sixth time and knowing that he'd always treasure this moment and the words that had ingrained themselves into his mind like prayer. It spoke to him on more levels than he'd thought possible and he knew that it wasn't just to honour Ash's memory, knew that the words were meant for him and him alone. As he reached the last stanza of Robert Frost's _Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening_ , he wondered if somewhere in the past, the poet had been thinking of someone like him as he scrawled his thoughts out with artistic abandon. His thoughts and feelings had crystalized after the first read through and he felt the dream he'd been building in his head solidify under a single, underlying base that had a quiet strength he had come to admire. _Kaidan_.

_The woods are lovely, dark and deep._

_But I have promises to keep,_

_And miles to go before I sleep,_

_And miles to go before I sleep._


	2. Arrow to the Knee

The Normandy was finally shooting arrow straight to Ilos. Things were coming to a head and there was a wealth of emotional clashes among crew members, most of all anticipation, at finally seeing an end to Saren's madness.  
  
And Shepard was furious.  
  
After everything that he had been through, _they_ had been through, after all the thin smoke and scraps that the Council had thrown at him, he still managed to get the job done and complete his mission. Time and time again. He wondered for at least the thousandth time if this was some twisted and sick perversion that all Council SPECTREs had to go through when they were first brought aboard to serve on the Citadel. Like some initiation right that the members had to experience in order to find their place among the galaxy's elite.  
  
Despite Shepard's logical mind telling him otherwise he still felt buggered in all the wrong ways. Still perhaps some good had come of it and if nothing else, his resourcefulness would prove that humanity's worthiness to join one of the galaxy's most prestigious military force wasn't a mistake made or charity given. There was also a more... personal accomplishment that burned in tandem alongside the steadily searing rage next to his heart and that warmed him and drove him forward like nothing that he'd ever experienced before in his life.  
  
And that was a Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.  
  
As he sat before his desk consolidating his data, his mind turned inward on a pleasantly tight spiral as he thought back to how comforting the other man was. How he'd allowed that crack in his veneer, the feelings behind shining through for just a brief instant, even more than what Shepard had seen after Virmire. Of course he hadn't been sure about how Kaidan felt about him that night they shared a kiss in Shepard's cabin. He'd initiated the intimate encounter and didn't know if Kaidan was merely reacting instinctively from the shock or maybe thought a good kiss-and-grab was all Shepard needed to bring him back into focus. Sometimes the man was an infuriatingly blank slate that Shepard couldn't read or break through.  
  
He had tried to hold it in check, had tried to keep the others from seeing how painfully aware he was of Ash's absence in the cargo bay. He kept telling himself that they all knew the score, they all knew the end that most soldiers on the field would face. But somehow, Kaidan had seen and had tried to speak to Shepard not really as a fellow soldier but, perhaps, something _more_. Of course Kaidan hadn't gone all out in that way, but Shepard could hear the concern, feel the tender care that Kaidan had exuded as he spoke to him. And that was the only time he'd thought he'd felt that connection until the Council had tried to lock them down.  
  
He could almost see again the frustration in Kaidan's face, the barely concealed emotions that he had tried so hard to keep from his commander, the words he was saying to him as Shepard sat in front of his locker like some piqued, hormonal teenager. The line that Kaidan had refused to cross. Watching how the Lieutenant kept himself on such a tight reign was too painful to bear after so long and after all they'd experienced together, so Shepard took a chance and with a trembling, gusty sigh, told Kaidan to stop trying so _damned_ hard.  
  
Shepard expected the other man would've been hurt, might have drawn even more inward and cold, might even have saluted his commander and stiffly marched back to his bastion of consoles without another word.   
  
He wasn't really prepared, though he had hoped so deeply and so much, for Kaidan to lose that cool demeanor in a blink, pulling it off his face like a pair of glasses and what he had seen behind those soulful eyes made him tighten in longing even now. A seething swirl of lust, a desire that shadowed his face and lifted Shepard to his feet as much as the hand that Kaidan had given to him. The taste of him that he would have had again, that he'd have traded anything for.  
  
He had almost reached into his locker to shoot his pilot in the deck above him at the other's 'timely' interruption, and only the fact that with Joker dead, they'd have had to spend weeks searching for a new pilot had forestalled him. As he turned back, he saw the mask of neutrality snap back over Kaidan's features and he had almost yelled in frustration. But he knew, without a shadow of doubt, of what he had seen and he'd take great pleasure in exploring those labyrinthe eyes in as leisurely a way as possible.  
  
Shaking away the old coat of past thiughts, Shepard brought himself back to the present and contemplated on the array of information before him. It wasn't really a total loss. Anderson had managed to get them away from the Citadel and the Council's near-sighted grasp, Shepard felt a twinge of worry course through him at the thought or his mentor and friend alone on the Citadel, and Shepard had a reason, a person, to fight for all the more harder.   
  
Though he had to admit sheepishly that the sexual tension between him and Kiadan had reached mountainous proportions. It would be difficult to focus on the coming battle in this state, and Shepard had gone through all the data that he could access on Ilos and Saren. Even any information on the Conduit and the Reapers, though most were inaccurate hearsays and conspiracy forums extracted from the extranet. He had finally decided to ease away all the lustful thoughts that were crowding the CIC in his brain when a familiar hiss stalled him. He truned and froze, the crescendo in his chest rising faster and harder.  
  
Kaidan stood in the doorway, everything about him drawing Shepard deeper and he knew, just as he felt Kaidan knew, that they just couldn't hold back the tide any longer.


	3. Into the Midnight Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! EXTREMELY SEXY TIMES ARE AHEAD!
> 
> If you are in anyway uncomfortable with explicit male-on-male pornographic depictions of sexual intercourse, I'd advise you to skip immediately to the next chapter and the... conclusion.
> 
> YOU. HAVE. BEEN. WARNED.

Shepard stood up as Kaidan approached from the silent portal behind him, barely registering its close, so taken up Kaidan was at the sight of Shepard, the way he moved toward him and the fierce hunger of desire in his eyes. Kaidan knew that to indulge his most heartfelt desires would result in a one-way trip that he'd never be able to pull himself out of, not that that was neccessarily a bad thing with Shepard involved.  
  
Still, he steeled himself from reaching out to the rapidly closing figure before him and fell back to his reflexive defensive attitude. He couldn't bring himself to look up at his commander, his something more, and cast his glance around the deck of Shepard's cabin as he let his second defensive reflex take over; his running mouth.  
  
He could feel the hollowly neutral speech he'd stashed away in his mind coming to the vanguard of his lips, and could barely understand the topics and words that he was dancing around. Making remarks about their current situation and responding in kind instinctively to Shepard's responses. He still hadn't looked up to face the man before him and Shepard's latest response of "Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of having you 'serving' under me..."  snapped his eyes up in shock, unaware of how close Shepard had drawn, lips and noses almost touching.  
  
The blunt severity of that statement was softened by the care in Shepard's voice, the slight twist of those full lips that Kaidan had spent weeks dreaming of, and the way those eyes sparkled with mirth and lust. Kaidan was almost overwhelmed by the weight of his feelings at those words and felt that familiar, warm heaviness in his groin shoot through him a hundred fold. He felt his cock harden alarmingly quick and couldn't help the grin that spread across his face as well as the words of seduction that came from him.  
  
"I can make you feel much more than that, Kaidan," Shepard whispered hoarsely as he reached his hands up to cup Kaidan's face delicately against his palms.  
  
The man who had slain matriarchs, fought rachni and dismantled Geth like nothing, held Kaidan like the most precious thing in the galaxy and the claxon of feelings running through him at being so wanted, so _needed_ almost unhinged his knees. He was grateful that he was holding onto Shepard's waist and wondered when he'd done that.  
  
The kiss that followed threw all thoughts out of his head and all he could feel was Shepard, taste Shepard. The musky softness that wrapped its way across his lips and the exquisite contrast as the other man's stubble rubbed across his jaw tugged an involuntary moan out of his, drawn out like his longing for the man.  
  
Shepard teased and tugged and nibble his way across the expanse of Kaidan's lips and Kaidan was sure that his cock had bored a hole through his military slacks and was trying to bore a hole through Shepard's as well. The teasing was driving him mad with lust and he wanted more, needed more and his insistence carried over in the way he returned Shepard's passion.  
  
Then the pace changed. He felt Shepard's tongue drive against his teeth and he gladly opened up to let the man take the more that he wanted, the rough thrusts as his own tongue rose up to battle Shepard's teasing and embracing. Let himself go as he tasted the spice of Shepard's mouth, the hotness that rose up in both of them.  
  
He pushed Shepard back against the bed in the cabin, his mind a pleasantly blank fuzz, and pulled Shepard's shirt over his torso, rubbing his demanding hands against the taut muscle underneath, fingering the nipples that were hard and begging to be nibbled. He stopped the shirt at Shepard's wrists and locked his hands in position over his head, using his mouth to search out Shepard's neck and flicked his tongue against the throbbing pulse there.  
  
Kaidan tasted sweat, salty musk, and sucked and nibbled his way around Shepard's neck feeling his cock throb at the unsolicited moan that emerged from the thin veneer of cloth covering Shepard's face. Shepard wriggled and bucked underneath his mouth, breath coming out in raspy gasps as Kaidan put more and more pressure against Shepard's neck and imagined the quickening pulse mirrored in Shepard's own cock.  
  
He barely managed to pull away, a smirk playing across his lips as Shepard pulled his shirt off the rest of the way and glared at Kaidan. The growl that escaped his throat made Kaidan's eyes widen as Shepard grabbed Kaidan's uncomfortably tight pants and pulled them off with a sexual ferocity that had ripped away at least two buttons.  
  
Grasping Kaidan's waist, Shepard pressed his hard bulge against Kaidan's and ground his hard sex against the other, eliciting startled gasps and moans that bordered on painful. Looking down, Shepard is momentarily baffled at seeing Kaidan's glistening, throbbing member standing erect before him, precum leaking from a swollen head. It's a beautiful cock, and the hair is trimmed almost as short as Shepard's military standard head hair. Curved slightly up and to the right, a thick vein running like a river across the vast expanse, thicker slightly at the base than the tip. Shepard can feel saliva trickling through his mouth at the thought of taking it in his mouth but looks up in puzzlement.  
  
Kaidan's breath evened out, still emerging in soft gasps, face flushed to a deeper golden colour. Now it shifted to a more familiar bronze blush as he looked away sheepishly and mutters almost inaudibly, "I.. ah.. I don't wear underwear on the Normandy... Shepard.."  
  
Shepard's eyebrow cocked up and that infuriating grin that blossomed was the only answer that Kaidan would get. Shepard went back to tender kisses, amping up the desire in Kaidan again, blowing slowly on the embers of lust within him, as he guided Kaidan to the bed while he teased Kaidan's skin with his tongue, exploring the different tastes around his body.  
  
Shepard shucked the rest of his clothes as Kaidan tried to regain some balance, though he was immediately thrown again as he stared up at the gleaming pale nakedness of his commander before him. Muscled, in an athletic way. Beautifully proportioned and everything screamed of grace and fluidity, even the way Shepard's thigh muscle curved up to frame Shepard's cock. Its base of hair was just as neat and trimmed as Kaidan's, a criss-cross of veins that throbbed around the shaft in a network of veins that Kaidan wanted to nibble and run his tongue along, while breathing in the musky smell of Shepard's cock. He was thicker than Kaidan was, but also slightly shorter, it's beautiful mushroom head blooming out before him, and Kaidan knew without a doubt that he'd cum as soon as that head rubbed against his prostrate.  
  
Kaidan was leaking a pool of clear, sticky precum across his abs and knew his eyes roved uncontrollably over the commander, trying to take in and memorize as much of the other man that he could. The pale freckles and muscled ribs, the way muscled folded over bone and shone through skin. He was so engrossed that he didn't even realize that Shepard was scrutinizing him just as closely, lips slightly parted as he stared at the half-naked young marine splayed out over his bed, looking adorably dishevelled.  
  
"Kaidan," Shepard ground out and felt a surge of satisfaction when he noticed that Kiadan's cock throbbed in response. Keeping eye contact, he slowly lowered his head down to Kaidan's groin and blew a tantalizingly warm breath across the cockhead before him. Kaidan groaned and involuntarily bucked against Shepard, wanting to feel the hot wetness of Shepard's mouth around his throbbing member. Shepard grinned to himself as he used the tip of his tongue and licked his way across the tight cock in front of him, making it shake and twitch in response and meticulously explored every part with his tongue, as he had explored Kaidan's body.  
  
"Ah.. Shepard, I need.. Plea- ahh... Please Shepar... Ahhh..." Kaidan begged through clenched lips as he tried so desperately to hold back the whining growl that was emerging from the back of his throat as Shepard lazily roamed about between his thighs.  
  
Shepard glanced up from  Kaidan's groin and noticed the glazed look in Kaidan's eyes and knew that the other man was close, had reached the point where any more stimulus would bring pain instead of pleasure. Bringing himself up he knelt before Kaidan, Shepard's cock almost touching the raging heat coming from the organ in front of him.  
  
"Kaidan. Come on, Kaidan, come for me," Shepard growled, trying to project the tender lust he felt toward the sexy, groaning man that lay before him.  He grasped Kaidan's cock in a firm grip and twisted upwards in smooth even strokes that got faster as Kaidan's breathing came out as ragged moans.  
  
"Shepard... I.. Shepard!" Kaidan shouted out and Shepard felt the cock in his grip throb in spasms as he dipped his head to take Kaidan's cock into his mouth and felt the hot splashes of salty, sweet cum against the back of his throat as he throated Kaidan's length through the other man's wordless convulsions and shouts. He felt the orgasm dwindle down as the last sticky strings ejaculated out of Kaidan's cock and he gave one more deep pull, illiciting a stuttered gasp from the man in the process, and with a mouth full of cum, looked up and smiled.  
  
"Shepard," Kaidan breathed, throat still raw from his shouts, "that was... I never thought it would be so... Shit..." he finished, then gasped and blushed when he realized how it must have sounded strung together.  
  
Shepard's smile grew wider as he transferred the cum and spit in his mouth over onto his hand and began slathering the mixture over his rock hard erection. Shepard chuckled as the words caught up with him and stroked himself as he spoke, "The mission's not over yet soldier. I promised I'd make you feel so much more."  
  
"Shepard what-" and gasped as he felt the cum and saliva slicked finger rub against the tight muscle nestled in the crack of his ass. Kaidan's head arched back as the sensation from his overly sensitive errogenous zones sent overloading signals into his brain and nervous system.  
  
"Don't worry Kaidan, I've got you," Shepard spoke quietly, endearment pulsing through his voice. Endearment and something more. A gasp tore through the silence and Kaidan arched his back, pushing himself against Shepard's stiff digit.  
  
For a moment Shepard was nervous and worried, streaks of hesitation hovered in his eyes. "Kaidan, I... I mean.. If you don't want to.. you know.." Shepard whsipered, conflicted feelings of wanting to experience the warmth inside Kaidan and not wanting to hurt him or make him uncomfortable on their first time.  
  
"Shepard, I-" _flick_ , Kaidan's gasp came out even more guttural than before, "Please, don't stop Shepard," _flick_ , another gasp, followed with a stiffled moan. "Don't you _dare_ stop, Shepard-" the shivering, tense gasps stop Kaidan from saying more and Shepard's dick throbs in response as his finger began to work increasingly inside the moist tightness.  
  
Shepard was well aware of how sensitive someone could get after an orgasm and he planned not to go too far too fast though. Not yet anyway. He kept himself hard with his one hand, rubbing Kaidan's sticky cum around his cock again and again, twisting and grinding it. He steadily worked the finger of his other hand inside Kaidan's ass, the cum a perfect lubricant. Shepard teased the tightness away and made sure to stay away from the overly sensitive prostrate gland as he worked his fingers slowly and delicately, feelings the muscles relax more and more as Kaidan's fists tightened on the sheets and a string of unintelligible moans tumbled from Kaidan's slack mouth.  
  
Shepard knew when Kaidan was ready again, how his cock began to rise back up to semi-hardness and when he shifted his head up off the bed and looked Shepard right in his fiery, blue eyes, his groans, moans and occassional swearings never stopping. Kaidan wanted more than anything to feel Shepard inside him, wanted to be one with the man and feel a part of his essence spraying itself deep within him. A flick of Shepard's finger brought out a wordless growl and a slight nod of Kaidan's head as his back arched up involuntarily when Shepard introduced a second finger into Kaidan's tight hole.  
  
Eager, almost impatient, Shepard gripped Kaidan's hips gently but firmly as he tugged the other man up to his throbbing, waiting cock. He lifted up Kaidan's legs slowly and leaned his weight on his arms as he pressed his thick cockhead up against Kaidan's wet and ready hole as Shepard's lips found Kaidan's, gently distracting him with sweet kisses as he slowly and carefully pressed inward.  
  
A vibrating hum grated against Shepard's lips and almost made him shoot his load right there, but Shepard was nothing if not determined and kept his mind focused on controlling the overwhelming sensations that were being sent to his brain. He stopped his progress as he felt his cockhead slip through the tight barrier of muscle and glanced up at Kaidan's eyes and gave the man time to adjust to his size between the breathless gasps that seemed a constant part of their sexual encounter. Not that Shepard would _ever_ get tired hearing those damned sexy sounds.  
  
Since Shepard was giving Kaidan time to adjust, and perhaps a moment to reconsider if he needed it, Shepard spoke up and was surprised at the tight, hoarseness to his voice.  
  
"Hey Kaidan. How's it feel?" Shepard nuzzled up against Kaidan's neck as his breathing began to even out, "You feel so amazing. I've... I've never felt so.. complete before," he groaned against Kaidan's ear while he cursed himself for coming up with the most cliche and sappy thing he'd ever heard.  
  
His embarassment fizzled in him as Kaidan grasped Shepard's head in his hands and growled out, "Shepard, you have _no_ idea how much I've wanted this and... and you feel pretty damn amazing right now," Kaidan paused and tilted his head consideringly before continuing, "If you leave it hanging like that Commander, I.. I _will_ use a biotic Pull on you.." Kaidan ended lamely, not sure what else he could say, and burned red hot when he realized just how bad he was at dirty talk.  
  
Shepard's smile was so honest and open, Kaidan swore he felt his heart skip several beats and Kaidan clenched his ass muscles in response, smugly satisfied at the startled gasp from Shepard and the way the man's eyes widened and narrowed, looking down at Kaidan.  
  
Shepard felt his eyebrow cock up and he slowly pushed his hard cock into Kaidan's tight, moist hole, gritting his teeth as Kaidan sporadically clenched and unclenched the rectal muscles around Shepard's organ. He knew he wasn't going to last much longer and fiercely kissed Kaidan's mouth as he felt the last inch slip into Kaidan, like the last tumbler falling through a console bypass.  
  
Wordless moans, growls and words crept from both men's lips as Shepard began to move slowly pumping his way into and out of Kaidan's tight heat, could only feel the way their bodies rubbed against each other, with nothing separating them but thin membranes of skin. Shepard could feel his groans and growls rise in pitch as he lifted himself up and shoved his cockhead up to rub against Kaidan's prostrate which brought a bed-rattling shout from Kaidan and trembled through his body.  
  
Shepard kept changing his pace, slow, deep strokes that brought out a deep purr from Kaidan and short, sharp thrusts that had the man stuttering breathlessly, hot mist pouring over Shepards face. On impulse Shepard continued his thrusts and arched his back to look down on his lover's body. He crunched his abdominals for greater leverage and contemplated the deep brown oval shifting beneath him. _Couldn't hurt_ , he mused and bent down as far as he could go and flicked his tongue across Kaidan's left nipple as he continued to thrust.  
  
 _Well, I definately wasn't expecting that_ , he groused and rubbed his mouth and the bruised feeling of Kaidan arching his back in that way and crashing his chest against Shepard's tender lips. Still, it was a fascinating discovery and he took precautions, held Kaidan's arms back next to his head, as he tried again. He was vaguely aware of the wordless howls that exploded from Kaidan, and Shepard wondered if the crew would hear and rally around his cabin, rifles drawn.  
  
Then all thoughts were wiped from him as he felt Kaidan spasmodically clench and twist his ass around his cock, felt his vision turn a muzzy, warm white as the feeling narrowed his world.  
  
Neither man could even conjure the strength to spout words or groans, the only sound in the cabin the breathless, deep gasps, lustily torn from both of them, and the moist slap of skin on skin. Shepard increased his tempo and thrust harder and faster, wanting so terribly to make Kaidan feel what he was feeling, the warm tenderness that enveloped him and ran through him. He ran his tongue roughly over Kaidan's nipple and at the same time, tensed his cock and knew that Kaidan would feel the throb through the tightness. He was rewarded with an animalistic shout of "Shepard!" and felt the man lock up underneath him as he crested through his second orgasm, with Shepard inside him, the sprays of hot, white cum splattering up against his sweaty, heaving stomach.  
  
Shepard felt Kaidan's ass clench around him through the orgasm and, for the first time in his life, let go of his self-control completely and surrendered, erupting with a shout to match Kaidan's in intensity and passion and felt the surge of his cum splatter against the walls of Kaidan's insides, feeling wave after wave carry him higher as Shepard's cum and Kaidan's mixed together and became indistinguishable inside Kaidan.  
  
With a gasp, he collapsed on top of the heaving, gasping Kaidan under him and they both hung onto each other, shivering through their orgasms, feeling parts of one another merge and become something more, something joined together from this point on that shared everything about the other. A whole that was much, much greater than its parts.  
  
Shepard rolled over and felt his flaccid length slipping out of Kaidan, and immediately pulled the other into a tight hug, tucking the sheets up around them as they basked in the post-sexual langour. Neither had the strength for words, but each knew that words weren't neccessary. Nothing more needed to be said and they knew the thoughts of the other as though they were being projected into one another's minds.  
  
"Shepard," Kaidan whispered just as Shepard muttered "Kaidan," into the other's hair. Their voices merged like the stream of love that had come from the both of them just moments ago and the words carried across the nothing space between them and wrapped itself in their hearts, like an inviting carress. A whispered promise.


	4. The Heart Deferred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part of the Mass Effect 1 series I was planning, though I may add in some random musings. Though ME3 fiction would definitely be more fun!
> 
> ME2 focusing on Kaidan and Shepard and others, will be out soon! Thanks for reading, and any comments are very welcomed. Yes, even negative ones. I'm big enough to handle 'em. :)

Shepard started awake. His mind tried to process the information his body was taking in. Something had woken him up, something else in his cabin that-  
  
An arm shifted across his chest as Shepard lifted his body up slightly to get a better look of the surroundings of his cabin. And everything came crashing back to the present. Kaidan's soft touch, hot moans and the unbridled lust that had taken them over as they found a measure of sanity and completion in each other's touch, in their being with one another.  
  
Shepard felt the tension evaporate from his body as he tilted his head over to stare at his sleeping lover. His eyes traced the slightly dishevelled hair (he'd never seen Kaidan's hair like that before and wanted so much to snap a picture with his omni-tool). Traced the strong jaw and delicate mouth, the mere memory of what that mouth had done to him brought back the hardness in between his legs with frightening speed. He knew he'd be able to lie like that until all his muscles cramped up, staring at the man before him, committing details to memory, as tendrils of feeling wound their way around his heart.  
  
He _ached_ for Kaidan. Body and mind, hea and soul. Never realized how much he needed the other  
man behind him, with him, lying next to him. Sharing moments of intimacy and vulnerability that he'd never let anyone else share before.  
  
With precision slowness, the very idea of interrupting that pleasant peacefulness on Kaidan's face sent a stab of physical pain through him, he moved up and gathered a small towel to wrap himself up in and cover his nakedness. A private nakedness that he'd not allow anyone else to see or experience if he could help it.  
  
He made his way around his cabin and began collecting the pieces of clothing that he needed to clothe himself, trying to make as little sound as possible. He was both equally vexed and plesantly surprised to find that he had great difficulty in differentiating between his own uniform set Kaidan's and he judged and settled on different articles instinctively as he let his mind wonder.  
  
He considered the possible rammifications of what they'd done as he pulled on his underwear (it was with small relief and greater lust that he remembered Kaidan didn't wear any on the Normandy), worried about how Kaidan would see their passionate encounter. Slowly lifting up his uniform fatigues he wondered, would he try to derive something deeper from their lustful coupling or was the stress of the mission so great that it provoked them both into a premature encounter that was merely physical.  
  
Shepard hadn't felt that way at all, knew that he had felt something greater and something _more_. The problem was divining whether the sleeping form in front of him felt the same way. He tugged his shirt over his face, memories of Kaidan using the material to obscure his vision to do.. things to him, and considered his options in the momentary, comforting blankness of the fabric.  
  
His considerations on Ilos were there, of course, they'd just merely taken a backseat as he'd used all of himself to give Kaidan, what he hoped was at least, damn good sex. Maybe even more. Now his thoughts were vying for supremacy, plans and co-ordinated methods of attack and what they'd finally find on an abandoned world against the hot heat of Kaidan's ass, the moist skin as it slid across his flat stomach. The deep, soulful form of his name on Kaidan's lips.  
  
He knew he wouldn't be able to let this go, knew he couldn't let his fantasies get the best of his preparations for Ilos. As he buckled up his last boot, he stood up and leaned against his desk while resting his ass against the cold, metal surface and looked at Kaidan's slowly breathing form. Looked at him and past him.  
  
He'd just have to see where he could take this and see how much Kaidan would want out him. Like a personal mission to know the other man. He grinned at the thought but felt a sobering notion form as well, _if we survived Ilos_.  
  
Thankfully, before he could continue along such pessimistic paths, he saw Kaidan's form shift and stir. Saw the slow opening of his eyes as he registered thr cabin with as much alacrity as Shepard had on his waking. Felt the surge of heat as the man's sight came to rest on him and didn't waver in the slightest. Just watching and considering him. Then that sweet, soft smile began to emerge and Shepard knew he'd want nothing more than to see the smile upon waking. For as much as his life would allow.  
  
Fightning back the urge to tear the thin comforter away and expose the muscled man underneath, he got up slowly, the smile on his face a mirror of Kaidan's as he still lay there, looked up wonderingly at Shepard. How that smile shaved panes pf darkness, sorrow and loneliness away from Shepard's face. Let Kaidan see how much Shepard _needed_ him.  
  
Shepard paused to sit up close to Kaidan, just along the hip that began to disappear into the white covers and even through his clothes, could feel the warmth coming off the other man. He leaned forward, tenderly agonizing, and cupped Kaidan's face in his hands. He brought his lips forward and could smell the sweat and clean smell that was part of Kaidan, could taste echoes of sweat and cum on the other man's lips.  
  
Shepard swirled his tongue slowly across those slightly swollen lips and lost himself in exploring and tasting, feeling the cushion of tenderness and the taste of the tip of Kaidan's tongue. Drawing back reluctantly, he planted one more chaste kiss across Kaidan's lips and leaned his forehead against Kaidan's, taking in more of that delicious scent that emmenated from Kaidan and hearing the slightly breathless pants escaping his lips.  
  
With their selves touching, they stared into each other's eyes and knew the words weren't necessary. They shared smiles with one another that they'd forgotten they could make, shared feelings that they'd thought they had forgotten and lost. And they just knew.


End file.
